Spiritual (im)maturity

Devotions. Not done.
Prayers. Just going through the paces.
Worship. Just nice words with nice melodies.

And today Hebrews 5:11 warns about falling away from God's word. How apt, feels like God is trying to remind me about this slippery path that I am walking upon.

I am indeed slow to learn, and sad to say, this is by choice. By not putting into constant practice what we've learnt, we just have to keep going back to square one to recap. And we'll never be able to move on to the more exciting bits, I guess. Oh, but lazy lazy me, with lots more time than others on my hands, I have been wasting precious time. Thank you for the timely reminder, dear God. I will try to do something about it. Help me to do something about it.

Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus

Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
Look full in His wonderful face,
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,
In the light of His glory and grace.

Lord, I have averted my eyes, I have looked away from your face; I yearn for the things of this earth although I know that none satisfies me. I never will learn, will I? But Lord, I give thanks that you steered this tumultuous day towards calm waters. Thank you for listening as our tears poured forth, as our hearts are broken, laying them bare at your feet.

Tonight, we have both experienced sadness but also gladness, and we now are calm with the peace that can only be from You.

Jesus, will I choose to be doubtful or be devoted?

It's a tough choice, this one.
I wish to be devoted but right now, I am doubtful. The feelings of doubt have turned to feelings of betrayal, and these are overwhelming. So much so that they are putting a great distance between you and I. Your words are harsh and unyielding; they are words that I don't wish to hear right now. But Lord, as is always the case, I know that your words are true. It is I myself that wants to run away from the truth; it is I myself who doesn't want to do the things that I know I should do. But Lord, I am weak. Yet I want to be in control. I have been doing all the things that should and rightly lead to the expected results. But look! You have shown me that You alone are Sovereign.
I need to hide in a deep dark place where no one can see my tears and the turmoil in my heart.
Lord, will you please wait for me while I try to pick up the broken pieces of my heart? I don't know how long it will take though. Will you still wait for me, please? I think I will have many questions for you along the way: will you please hear me out and give some answers? I think I will many complaints and lamentations against you. Will you receive them and not chide me for my foolishness?
I am so torn, Lord. I don't feel loved, Lord. It is disheartening, and discouraging.
Lord, are you reading this?