Jesus, will I choose to be doubtful or be devoted?

It's a tough choice, this one.
I wish to be devoted but right now, I am doubtful. The feelings of doubt have turned to feelings of betrayal, and these are overwhelming. So much so that they are putting a great distance between you and I. Your words are harsh and unyielding; they are words that I don't wish to hear right now. But Lord, as is always the case, I know that your words are true. It is I myself that wants to run away from the truth; it is I myself who doesn't want to do the things that I know I should do. But Lord, I am weak. Yet I want to be in control. I have been doing all the things that should and rightly lead to the expected results. But look! You have shown me that You alone are Sovereign.
I need to hide in a deep dark place where no one can see my tears and the turmoil in my heart.
Lord, will you please wait for me while I try to pick up the broken pieces of my heart? I don't know how long it will take though. Will you still wait for me, please? I think I will have many questions for you along the way: will you please hear me out and give some answers? I think I will many complaints and lamentations against you. Will you receive them and not chide me for my foolishness?
I am so torn, Lord. I don't feel loved, Lord. It is disheartening, and discouraging.
Lord, are you reading this?