Jesus, will I choose to be doubtful or be devoted?

It's a tough choice, this one.
I wish to be devoted but right now, I am doubtful. The feelings of doubt have turned to feelings of betrayal, and these are overwhelming. So much so that they are putting a great distance between you and I. Your words are harsh and unyielding; they are words that I don't wish to hear right now. But Lord, as is always the case, I know that your words are true. It is I myself that wants to run away from the truth; it is I myself who doesn't want to do the things that I know I should do. But Lord, I am weak. Yet I want to be in control. I have been doing all the things that should and rightly lead to the expected results. But look! You have shown me that You alone are Sovereign.
I need to hide in a deep dark place where no one can see my tears and the turmoil in my heart.
Lord, will you please wait for me while I try to pick up the broken pieces of my heart? I don't know how long it will take though. Will you still wait for me, please? I think I will have many questions for you along the way: will you please hear me out and give some answers? I think I will many complaints and lamentations against you. Will you receive them and not chide me for my foolishness?
I am so torn, Lord. I don't feel loved, Lord. It is disheartening, and discouraging.
Lord, are you reading this?

Renewed Passion

One of the 'conditions' I have imposed on myself since becoming a 'sort 0f' stay-home mummy is to prepare and cook the meals at home.

I wasn't cornered into making such a demand of myself; I have been looking forward to having my own kitchen with well-stocked cupboards and an oven so that I can try out new recipes and practice the ones on hand.

I love my kitchen. It's the place that I enjoy spending time in the most these days. My dishes are but family fare and my skills are only slowly improving with practice. But I am so proud that I am able to nourish the 2 boys in this way, who have shown their genuine appreciation by preferring to eat home-cooked meals rather than dine out. I, too, rather cook up some simple dishes for friends and family, than to rely on some catering business to bring me the standard buffet fare.

Tomorrow, I'll be having dear friends over for lunch. And yes, I will be preparing some simple but good food to thank them. I look forward to it.

Brand New Chapter

2 years and 5 months later, this is going to be my third month immersing in stay-at-home motherhood. I can't say that I am not enjoying it for now, since this still feels like a little holiday with no tangible end in sight. And besides, I'm living it out in a new place; there's so much to explore and so much to do...! But for now, it's still going to be my well-deserved break.

Strange that quitting my job to stay at home in order to take care of the little one garners such a huge response every time it's announced. Hasn't motherhood been always a 'stay-at-home' thing since the very beginning? Since when has this been reversed? I still feel out of place sharing this with friends; I don't have many in my circle who are in my shoes, so I guess it can't be helped that I am still a bit of an oddity.

I do miss the working lifestyle since that means I don't have to face a whiny, grumpy kid for about 9 hours everyday. It's ok when he is cute and playful and cheeky - that's adorable and makes the staying-at-home really worth it - but most of the time, he's really hard to handle and I find myself trying to reason things out with a 4.5 year old who seems to have the mindset and spunk of a 10 year old. And this always happens when I'm at my busiest!

Right now, I am trying to think of a way to juggle this new role with the need to 'escape' it. Ironic, isn't it? That I have to provide a solution to the solution (this was the solution to the problem of us losing our parents' help by moving out into our new apartment....) which has now become a problem in itself.

The husband says that I should stop trying to make life perfect because it will never be. The momentary balance will always be tipped; the road will never be straight.

I'll go sleep on it.